Vancouver Dating Blog

Ah, Valentines Day…

As far back as I can remember, I’ve never once had a girlfriend on Valentines Day. Maybe I’m just lucky.

Today is no exception. My roommate said to me, “So, I guess you’re going out tonight, huh?” I gave him a dumbfounded, blank stare. “…because it’s V-Day?”

“Oh… that. Nah.”

This is that day of the year when everyone who is single becomes painfully aware of how single they are. They see the flowers, the hearts, the happy couples on dates, the chocolates, and suddenly they rush out to the bars, they log on to the dating sites, they whip out their phones and start dialing, and they seek out anyone to fill that void of loneliness — if only for one day so they have the right to say, “I wasn’t alone on Valentines Day!”

That neediness is not really helping us, is it? The only people who seem to benefit from those gaping voids in ourselves are the chocolate stores, the flower shops, the jewelry stores, and everything else that people consume on this day.

Even when we manage to “get lucky” and land ourselves a new girlfriend to fill that void, it’s only covering up an issue that will keep coming up: _we feel incomplete without a woman._

I’ve watched many of my friends go through life rebounding back and forth from relationships, and whenever they’re single they’re the most insecure and depressed people I’ve ever met. They can’t talk to girls the way they used to when they were in a relationship because all that extra confidence they got from having a girlfriend is gone. Until they get back into another relationship, they’re just a shadow of the people they’re capable of being.

The worst is when a guy gets out of a unhealthy relationship, then jumps right back in because the prospect of being single just isn’t as appealing as being in a relationship, even an unhealthy one.

So where do we go from being single? Should we start “slaying a few dragons to get to the princess”? That’s one way to go about it, but I prefer not to venture down battletoad lane just for the sake of not being single.

What I’d like to propose is going to make everyone of you “WTF!” right out loud, but if you are willing to take this leap it could bring you to a level of fulfillment and wholeness that will enrich every interaction you have: **stay right where you are.**

Before you close the browser and condemn me forever, hear me out:

When you learn to be happy being single, you won’t be going into a relationship looking for someone else to fill the void in your life (and typically that person is also incomplete and looking for you to cover up their misery). Instead, you’ll meet new people and be able to give out good energy instead of relying on others for it.

Maybe you can go running with the bulls, travel across the world, learn fencing or write a book. Work on yourself and take some time off to grow as a person.

If you rely on having a woman before you can grow as a person, the fate of your personal evolution lies in the hands of things outside your control. Take that control back. When you follow your purpose (and as David Deida says, “No woman should keep you from your purpose” _(loosely paraphrased)_), you’ll grow as a person and become more and more attractive.

> If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
> ~ W. C. Fields

Sometimes we try something new, and when we don’t see immediate results we are quick to condemn and say, _”Bah! This doesn’t work.”_

Maybe it was that new diet you tried, and after a week your weight hadn’t changed so you gave up and said, _”Bah! This diet doesn’t work.”_

Maybe you read about a new pickup technique, but it didn’t get the results that you were promised so you threw your hands up and scowled, _”Bah! This technique doesn’t work.”_

Sure, some things are just a waste of time, and that’s just the way it is, but when it comes to pickup, it helps us to be thorough and experiment before we condemn.

Before you condemn, ask yourself the following questions:

* **Did you stick to the plan?** You’re out meeting women, putting this great new approach you’ve learnt to the test, and everything is going great. Suddenly, this urge to do things that old way pops up. _”Maybe,”_ you think, _”it will be different this time. I know the guru said not to do this, but I’m going to try anyways.”_ Naturally, everything falls apart, then you rush home to the online forums and post, _”That guy’s technique doesn’t work!”_

If you want to get the most out of what a guru teaches, stick to the plan. First, get comfortable at doing things the way you’ve been taught to do them. After that you will be able to innovate and reach an even higher level.

* **Are you committed to making this work?** There are few techniques you can try and expect to work for you right off the bat. So, when you are out having a good time and experimenting with what you learn, hang in there until it works. Of course, if you try something thirty times and keep getting poor results, it is probably time to try a different approach.

For any new general style of pickup, I’ve found that a good policy for experimenting is to commit to a [30-day trial](http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/04/30-days-to-success/) where you follow that style, and only that style. Suspend all disbelief for that time, and if it doesn’t work by then, look into a different approach.

*Remember:* the experts that teach this stuff aren’t responsible for making this stuff work — it’s up to us. Some of it takes time, some of it works instantaneously, and sometimes we just have to move on and try something new.

What if you had ten girlfriends?

It would be great at first…

You never sleep alone and have lots of variety.
You cross that off your _Things To Do Before I Die_ list.
Your women give you back rubs, do your laundry, and feed you grapes and fan you with a giant feather while you lay in bed.

…But what’s the cost?

Now that you have it, the thrill of the chase is gone.
You never hang out with your friends, enjoy your hobbies, or do all those things you once loved doing.
Your boss is on your back because your work is suffering.

*\*sigh\**

_”Pimpin’ ain’t easy.”_

…Or is it?

There is an easy way to build an amazing lifestyle full of harems, threesomes, long-term relationships, or whatever floats your boat if we keep one thing in mind:

**The means do not justify the end.**

Going on fifty dates, mercilessly begging for hours, putting your life on hold, or getting sidetracked from the important things in life does not justify itself because it can get you laid.

Our goal here is to attract and keep women in only the most fun and enjoyable ways — _anything less is unacceptable._

So, if we we’re starting from scratch here (no girlfriends, no social life, etc.) what can we do to get started?

1. **Stop calling women.** This is how to free up 99% of the time that most so-called players give up in the pursuit of women. Taking numbers and constantly pursuing women to setup meetings, spending hours chatting on the phone, and creating all this extra work for ourselves is not our aim.

Our aim is to meet in person with women who are interested in us and enjoy our time together. Do we really want to chase down people who are going to waste our time? Of course not! We leave our lines of communication open to people who want to meet up, and if they don’t call, that’s fine because we never had to give anything up other than our number.

There’s a lot that can be said about this way of living, and if you want to hear it from an expert on the topic, checkout [Brent Smith](http://www.absolutepowerdating.com/) and Dave M’s podcast at [attracthotterwomen.com](http://www.attracthotterwomen.com/amember/go.php?r=541&i=l0).

2. **Screen faster.** Is she hot? That’s a good start. Is she intelligent? Bonus! Does she have a negative attitude? _BZZT!_ Move on. Does she want you to take her on three dinner dates before she thinks about sleeping with you? _BZZT!_ Move on.

Sure, some of my criteria in a woman will differ from yours, and not any little thing should be a complete show-stopper, but if she is going to create drama or waste your time, _move on!_ Unless you develop the habit of walking away fast when your criteria isn’t met, you might find yourself stuck with a harem from hell.

3. **Meet her on your terms.** Cancelling plans, driving for hours to chauffer or meet women, and general bending over backwards to get laid is a headache no man needs, and ultimately an attraction killer.

Let’s keep it simple: meet women where you chose, when you chose.

Bring her into your world. Let her know she’s welcome to join you and your friends at your favourite lounge. Give her directions to the cosy hole-in-the-wall cafe across the street from your home. Make it a relaxing night at home, and tell her to stop by if she feels like it (and to pickup some beverages along the way).

It’s time to stop jumping through hoops! Besides, it’s pretty much unsustainable to have more than one high-maintenance girlfriend.

We can start redefining what success with women is by attracting (and keeping) beautiful women without sacrificing everything to get there. Let’s make pimpin’ easy — it doesn’t have to be difficult.

Once upon a time [I approached forty women and asked them if they'd like to sleep with me.](http://blog.reyalp.net/articles/2006/11/21/demonic-confidence-day-19/)

It took me months of conditioning to build up enough confidence to do that confidently.

…And it only took me a couple weeks to lose it all.

Whenever life got busy I had to drop my social activities, and my confidence would fade away. Then a couple weeks later I’d be back at the clubs eight days a week trying to regain it. With enough consecutive nights out, I’d get it back, only to lose it again when I had no time to go out.

What a vicious cycle it was!

As I started to wonder why I was losing my momentum, I was noticing things about my lifestyle.

By day, I was just an another jackass, not exceptionally friendly or outgoing. My social interactions were limited to my existing friends, the same people I saw every day, or the waitresses and cashiers who were required to talk to me.

By night, I was out partying, hitting on girls, making new friends, and being the life of the party. I knew all the staff and all the regular bar stars at my favourite clubs and couldn’t walk down the nightclub strips without running into people I recognized.

Every day I’d wake up as a different person, and every night I’d go to sleep as another person.

The solution was so obvious!

I didn’t have to do five-thousand more approaches. What would be the point? I’d done so many I pretty much knew what to expect.
I didn’t have to watch 23 more seminars. I’d seen far too many as it was.

If I ever wanted to keep that momentum, there was only one way to bridge the gap:

I had to stop spending all that time trying to “get into state” and start living my life in that state, constantly.

I had to take the risk of being just as outgoing in a grocery store, on the street, on the bus, or at the gym, as when I was when I was out the club.

Even if it seemed weird and unusual, I wanted to become the kind of person who broke all social barriers.

For me to keep my momentum and bridge the gap between the different lives I was living, I decided to change a few things:

1. **Speak to everyone.** This is how I stay “in state” pretty much all the time. It’s been as simple as saying “how’s it going?” to the cashiers, waitresses, people in line, at the gym, on the train, and all people who come across my path in my daily life. Not only was this change the trick to preventing the loss of all my momentum, but it has lead to tons of opportunities that allowed me to build a massive social network.
2. **Lead a more interesting life.** For me, I had to give up going out eight nights a week and get back in touch with all the fun hobbies I had before I let the game take over my life. When I picked up my hobbies again and spent more time with friends, I was meeting naturally just by doing fun stuff and rarely ever going to a club. The biggest difference came from simply asking myself what really makes me happy.
3. **Be social over seductive.** Being socially-connected is a characteristic of a naturally social guy, and from my experiences I was not having success building a social network by trying to sleep with every girl I met. When I focused on having fun and making friends, I stopped walking into every social situation thinking about how I was going to seduce women, which was the exact barrier holding me back from so many great social interactions.

It took a while, but I eventually adopted all these behaviours. It was easy to practice because I no longer had to go out eight nights a week, and I had to fall back in love with all my hobbies, hang out with all my friends, and have a good time.

At first I didn’t want to become a more social and less aggressive guy because I felt that being more social meant I was being an “excuser” or that I was going to fall into the “just a friend” category, but it’s not really like that at all. The reality is that when I’m having a good time and not just looking to pickup chicks is when I meet the most women. Of course, if I use this as a technique to pickup girls it doesn’t work… but that’s a whole other blog post.

I’m convinced that fashion is a key element of what pickup artists need to know.

Now, for some of you, the F-word makes you cringe, shiver, and scream in terror. For a minute, try to bear with me and let’s just assume, for the sake of this article, that fashion is really, really important stuff.

Ok, so why is it important? Well, I’d say mainly because you can attract women simply by dressing a certain way, even if you don’t have the seduction skills to pickup the morning paper off your porch.

For some guys, poor fashion is the exact reason they spend hundreds of dollars a years on tissues and lotion instead of condoms.

Some dudes I’ve known dress so awful I want to claw my own eyes out when I have to look at them. They’ve paid hundreds of dollars to take bootcamps, studied every pickup method under the sun, and they tell me they have a “sticking point with kinoing” or something.

They show up to the club dressed like a convicted child molester who just stepped out of a time capsule from 1953. Women are repelled and run in horror. Their friends pretend they don’t know them. One or two people take pitty on you and put some spare change into their cup, mistaking them for a street person.

It’s really bad. Some guys I know personally would benefit so much just from at least dressing normal. It’s not necessary to learn everything about fashion (I hardly know anything really) or to wear all the latest and greatest cream of the crop, but sometimes it can really hold guys back.

Anyways, I just read [Brad P's Fashion Bible](http://reyalp.bradp510.hop.clickbank.net/) and that got me thinking about all that stuff. The book is not about all the stuff I’ve heard before like match shoes with your belt and other crap like that, it’s about the psychology behind fashion and how it causes attraction. [Check it out](http://reyalp.bradp510.hop.clickbank.net/), it’s really amazing.

As [Daniel Rose](http://www.sexgodmethod.com/) states in his phenomenal ebook [The Sex God Method](http://www.sexgodmethod.com/), _Sex Is The Ultimate Method of Attraction_.

Yet what most guys are learning about attraction involves 59-step routines, creepy hypno-patterns, wearing silly outfits, and generally trying to create attraction with techniques that are highly over-complicated.

What teachers like [Daniel Rose](http://www.sexgodmethod.com/) know is that one of the best ways to attract and *keep* beautiful women is to be able to give them levels of sexual pleasure like they’ve never experienced before. Though many guys realize this, [Daniel Rose](http://www.sexgodmethod.com/) points out that most guys are focusing on learning more techniques to physically stimulate women when really the key to being a better lover lies in stimulating her mind:

“It should be obvious that the key to becoming great in bed does not lie in ways to stimulate the body; it lies in ways to stimulate the mind. While physical technique has its place, what will really drive a woman crazy is knowing how to arouse her psychologically. Combine this arousal with basic physical technique, and you have a recipe for great sex.”

What I really liked about this book is that the method itself is a very simple model that is built upon four fundamental elements: Dominance, Emotion, Variety, Immersion. It’s a very natural approach to developing sexual confidence because it doesn’t involve learning a step-by-step method, rather it’s about learning to apply these elements in a balanced way. There are also plenty of examples and guidelines in this book on how to develop mastery in these areas.

Probably the greatest value in this book is that the focus is primarily on psychological stimulation, _not_ physical stimulation. Most sex advice marketed to men is focused on physical techniques, and it’s rare to find a book that talks about ways to stimulate a women’s mind that when combined with _basic_ physical technique will give her more sexual pleasure than she thought possible.

I’d highly recommend this book to any guys who are interested in learning how to give women the most intense sexual experiences of their lives (I’m guessing that’s most of us). Also, this book is an ace for guys who are new to pickup (especially virgins — preparing yourself is an excellent idea) because gaining sexual confidence is not just a huge asset in the bedroom, it’s a huge asset to your overall game. [Order this book _now_](http://www.sexgodmethod.com/) (I bought the paperback and keep it on bookshelf to read through occasionally — it even has a sexy picture of a naked girl on the front!) and your women will be truly thankful and completely hooked on you.

> After waking up, I leap out of bed, almost breaking my neck in the process. I frantically rush to turn on my cellphone to check for messages. Panic sets in as there are no messages after having my phone on for twenty-five seconds. Suddenly, relief washes over me as I hear a beep notifying me that two of the fifteen girls replied to my three paragraph SMS I sent the evening before. One of the girls seems like a promising prospect as we have been texting back-n-forth for over two months now. Even though my hands have become mangled claws from constantly calling, texting, emailing and reaching out to girls in every way possible, it will all be worth it if I can just add one more notch to my belt this week!
>
> Since my life is entirely devoted to pursuing women and getting numbers, naturally I put on some clothes and head straight to the mall to sarge. On the way there, I see fifty hot girls across the street so I sprint through traffic without hesitation to tell each one how beautiful she is, getting honked at by drivers and barely escaping death (not to do so would make me an _EXCUSER!_)
>
> After spending eight hours straight walking in circles around the mall regurgitating canned routines to girls, security kicks me out so they can lock-up. I’ve approached so many women today that I broke my old record — I can do a thousand now. Most of the girls told me they have boyfriends, others make up strange excuses and walk away, a few laugh, a few run; However, I manage to get heaps of numbers — looks like it’s going to be another busy night of calling and texting girls!

Sounds silly, huh? The funniest part is that at one time that was my life…

Things finally changed for me when I stood back and saw that lifestyle for how hilariously pathetic it was. Chasing women all day is not all it’s cracked up to be, no matter how many approaches are done, no matter how many numbers/dates/lays are got. Being able to say “I worked hard to get to where I am” is not a virtue, it’s just poor time-management.

There are all those stories out there about guys got to where they are _The Hard Way™_ after spending years busting their backs trying to shape their lives around their women, until one day they finally either got so frustrated and exhausted with the old way that they sought out a new, easier way of being. Suddenly those guys discovered that by doing less, they got more.

Do you really want to do things _The Hard Way™_ like I did? Or are you ready for things to be *effortless*?

The good news is that you don’t have to go down that road I did (unless you want to give up any semblance of meaningful lifestyle that you might already have). It can all be avoided by asking yourself this one question: *What really makes me happy?*

Not surprisingly, for me the answer had nothing to do with getting a hundred phone numbers a day or dating a dozen women at once. In fact, the answer was far off, completely unrelated — it’s no wonder it took so long for me to find! (Actually, it was more like finding it _again_.)

For me the answer was replacing all that time I spent pursuing women with a meaningful lifestyle. It was getting back to going out to have a good time, instead of going out to pickup girls. It was rediscovering all my passions in life I’d left behind. It was pursuing the dreams in life that I knew would make all the difference.

The irony of it all is that aside from removing the stress and frustration that comes with making pursuing women a full-time job, living life for myself radically changed everything because women now pursued me. I’d finally given them the opportunity they wanted to chase after me! It has been a wild ride ever since, but that’s another story…

*What really makes _YOU_ happy?*

There is a lot eBay we can learn from eBay about social dynamics:

“When perfect strangers, who are thousands of miles apart, trust each other to conduct transactions, it’s a compelling testimonial to the power of everyone in the eBay Community. At the core of this power is the strength of eBay’s Community Values, which are built on the bedrock that ‘People are basically good.”

Source: http://pages.ebay.com/community/chatter/2004december/poaou.html

Sure, there are scumbags out there, but generally when I am meeting new people, it’s extremely rare that I ever meet someone who will tell me to “fuck off” or disrespect me for no reason whatsoever. Yet I hear guys say things like, “I barely said anything, and she threw her drink in my face!”

Those things almost always happen for a reason. There are rare exceptions when someone is truly in the wrong place at the wrong time when someone else with a bad attitude decides to take out their aggression on the next person they see. Yes, that happens sometimes, but those experiences don’t have to clutter our judgement and install negative assumptions in our minds.

Many guys who are out learning to socialize and develop confidence are carrying around the baggage from those past experiences and projecting those negative beliefs onto the people they meet, and like a self-fulfilling prophecy everything they assume becomes true because they are scared and bitter.

Ask yourself the following questions:

• When another man approaches the group of girls you’re talking to, do you immediately assume he’s there to steal your women, OR do you assume he is out to have a good time and socialize?
• When the waitress brings you your bill and you see a $100 charge for something you didn’t order, do you assume she’s trying to rip you off, OR do you assume she just made an honest mistake that she will gladly fix?
• When your friends don’t return your phone call, do you assume they don’t respect you, OR do you respect that they would love to hang out with you but they’ve been busier than usual and haven’t been able to return calls.
• When you make plans to go out on a Friday night, do you assume it’ll be another night of getting shot down and rejected by nasty, mean people, OR do you assume everyone will be friendly and easy to talk to, love your personality, and women will approach YOU wanting to get to know you?

When I noticed a pattern in my life of habitually being wrong about my negative assumptions, I began to replace them with positive assumptions, and sure enough my assumptions are almost always right. After all this, I’ve truly come to believe that people are generally good.

I propose that rather than assuming the worst of people, justifying rejection and safely sitting at home avoiding people for fear of that one bad experience that left a bitter taste, try taking the risk of assuming the best. Even if your new positive assumptions are wrong once in a while, when you begin living a life without fear and allow yourself to enjoy people and making new friends, the payoff you’ll gain is much more valuable.

My best friend is a guy who is always saying the most brilliantly clever and funny lines. A while back he said something that stopped me dead in my tracks and I was paralyzed with LAUGHTER…

As I was talking to him, I said, “I was just wondering…” Before I could even ask my question, he interrupted me with, “Yeah, it’s huge.” Next thing I know I was laughing so hard that I couldn’t even remember the question.

It dawned on me that what he said would be great to use when speaking with a woman.

Women are always asking questions. Often they are interpreted as “shit tests”, which is something that a woman says/does where what she says is completely irrelevant, rather the way the man REACTS to it is important.

In light of this always happening when interacting with women, wouldn’t it be great if there was a way to charm her before she could even ask the question? If you made her giggle so much that she couldn’t even ask the question and keep a straight face? Can you imagine the attraction this would create if you had already passed her shit-test before she even asked it?

Women are often asking these CHALLENGING questions because they are ATTRACTED to the man. When they’re asking the man these questions, it’s often an attempt to throw themselves out of their aroused state by having you argue with them, say something lame, or being predictable and boring.

Take these examples:

> Her: “I was just wondering…”
>
> You: “Yeah, it’s huge.”

Typically these challenges from women can be questions like “how many women have you slept with?” or “how many women are you seeing right now?” Most guys might answer logically or in a predictable way, but women HATE that. They are asking you these questions to throw themselves OUT OF STATE.

Here’s another example:

> Her: “Let me ask you something…”
>
> You: “The answer is no, you’re not getting into my pants tonight.”

Women are dreaming of finding men who have confidence, humour, and unpredictability. You will have just conveyed that all in a few words if you do this with the right timing!

Give it a try. I’ve tested using this countless times since I was lucky enough to hear it, and it works amazingly!