A few minutes after smiling at each other across the room, I was sitting at her table. She asked me, “So what is this?”, pointing to the band’s logo on the hoodie I was wearing.
“Oh, that… They’re a band my friend is touring with. Actually, I’m not a fan at all, but I got this for free. Actually, I don’t even like it. Actually, I don’t even know why I’m wearing it, really.”
Suddenly I found myself reflecting back on the past couple years all in that moment. It’s been years since I stumbled upon this pickup community. I sometimes forget where I was, and how I got here.
When I moved out to Vancouver, sold everything I owned, said goodbye to my friends and lovers, it got easier for me to keep giving up everything.
As proficient as I’ve become in giving up, I recently decided to take it a step further. Why not give everything up? Not in some kind of Tibetan monk way (or maybe it is?), but I decided that if there was anything about my life that I wanted to change, why not give myself a clean slate to become whoever I want?
So I asked myself…
**What if I had no attachments to anyone or anything?**
_How would things be different?_
_What would I do with my new freedom?_
_What would I say, do, act, wear?_
_Where would I hang out?_
_What will my purpose in life be?_
_Where will I live?_
And so on…
What I realized when I was talking with this girl is that when we make radical transformations we go through a phase of being uncertain about who we are. We’ve shed our old skin, and that skin was all that we knew, so we’re still trying to come to terms with the person we’re becoming.
Right now, I’m working on being secure with the fact that I’m insecure in my own identity, and that’s my own issue. It’s all part of the process, and I’m becoming more aware all the time.
Now that I’ve gone through this, reinventing myself is something I will make a regular habit. Maybe once a month, maybe once a week, maybe everyday.
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I feel the same way. I too am trying to become familiar with my new identity and lifestyle, and feel that I’m finally coming to grips with everything and accepthing things the way they REALLY are.
Yes I’m going throught the same thing. I’ve come to realize that to reach the next level, their has to be a change in my way of being, not doing. And that means things have to be sacrificed, and that personal change has to be made a priority.
Its amazing how we are programmed by society to be constantly in a state of neediness.